A bit of this and a bit of that » jokes

How about a joke?

owen — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 00:27:51 +0000

: Image via Wikipedia

It’s been some time since we had a joke on this blog, so here’s one that tickled me pink:

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

“I’ll tell you why,” shouted Deacon Brown. “Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.”

“Well, interrupted the dealer, “didn’t you receive them yet?”

“Oh, we received them all right,” replied Deacon Brown.

“However, you sent us some golf pencils…each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.’”

Computer Joke: If OSes were like beers

owen — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 23:03:05 +0000

Here’s a joke I heard many moons ago that someone reminded me today. We haven’t had a joke on this blog for some time, so here goes:

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s no longer available.

Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer: The world’s most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer’s. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won’t explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer: You can’t buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it’s wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer’s can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer’s, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer’s – after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an “industrial strength” beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn’t understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn’t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you’re told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals and directories list published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians’ Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

The naughty doctor

owen — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 20:40:21 +0000

: Image via Wikipedia

Right, we haven’t had a joke here for some time, so here’s one to keep you amused (it is Friday after all)

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting after putting on his lab coat and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn`t really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said “Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you`re the first…”.

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, “… but they probably weren`t veterinarians“.

And now for a funny

owen — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 21:02:22 +0000

We haven’t had a joke on this blog in some time, so I thought it was time for something funny. Here we go:

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

So next time you’re thinking of sending one of your retail resumes for a new job, remember .. it’s really all down to luck!

One for the lawyers

owen — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 20:40:43 +0000

We haven’t had a joke here for some time, so here’s a lawyer joke dedicated to Leo:

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”
Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney, Seattle injury lawyer to be exact. Tell me, how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

Sick leave

owen — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 13:57:55 +0000

We haven’t had a joke here in some time, so check out this thread …

From: Niresh Regmi
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:35 a.m.
To: Kyle Doyle
Subject: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Hi Kyle,
Please provide a medical certificate stating a valid reason for your sick leave on Thursday 21^st 2008.
Thank You

NIRESH REGMI
Real Time Manager, Workforce Operations
Ground Floor, 30 Ross Street, Glebe, NSW, 2037
T: +61 2 9009 1329 Extn:61329
F: + 61 2 9009 1734
W: www.aapt.com.au
E: niresh.regmi@aapt.com.au

From: Kyle Doyle
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:38 a.m.
To: Niresh Regmi
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Niresh,
1 day leave absences do not require a medical certificate as stated in my contract, provided I have stated that I am on leave for medical reasons.
Thanks
Regards,

Kyle Doyle
Resolutions Expert – Technical

From: Niresh Regmi
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:39 a.m.
To: Kyle Doyle
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Hi Kyle,
Usually that is the case, as per your contract. However please note that leave during these occasions is only granted for genuine medical reasons. You line manager has determined that your leave was not due to medical reasons and as such we cannot grant leave on this occasion.
NIRESH REGMI
Real Time Manager, Workforce Operations
Ground Floor, 30 Ross Street, Glebe, NSW, 2037
T: +61 2 9009 1329 Extn:61329
F: + 61 2 9009 1734
W: www.aapt.com.au
E: niresh.regmi@aapt.com.au
_____________________________________________

From: Kyle Doyle
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:43 a.m.
To: Niresh Regmi
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Hi Niresh,
My leave was due to medical reasons, so you cannot deny leave based on a line manager’s discretion, with no proof, please process leave as requested.
Thanks
Regards,

Kyle Doyle
Resolutions Expert – Promotional Items

From: Niresh Regmi
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:50 a.m.
To: Kyle Doyle
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Hi Kyle,
I believe the proof that you are after is below

Real Time Manager, Workforce Operations
Ground Floor, 30 Ross Street, Glebe, NSW, 2037
T: +61 2 9009 1329 Extn:61329
F: + 61 2 9009 1734
W: www.aapt.com.au
E: niresh.regmi@aapt.com.au
_____________________________________________

NIRESH REGMI

More jokes ..

Watch out for that Virus

owen — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 22:20:24 +0000

Ronald Reagan virus…………….Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus…………………….Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus………………..Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Lorena Bobbit virus………………..Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus……….. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Ellen Degeneres virus……………Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC

Titanic virus…………………………….Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus…………………………….Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Prozac virus…………………………….Screws up your system memory but your processor doesn’t care

Tim Allen virus………………………..Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Woody Allen virus…………………..Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Saddam Hussein virus………….Won’t let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus……………….Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

Joey Buttafuoco virus…………….Only attacks minor files

X-files virus……………………………All your Icons start shape shifting

Spice Girl virus………………………Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

AT&T virus………………………………Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus…….Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Easy Money

owen — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 13:39:27 +0000

A very successful real estate broker had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my commercial real estate office. All you have to do is go to the office every day and learn the business.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I can’t stand agents and hate selling things.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you can work in the office and take charge of some the paperwork.”

“I hate paperwork,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of my real estate office, but you don’t like selling and hate working in an office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “I want to go back to my old PC support job. Just buy me out.”

How do I get out?

owen — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 23:06:48 +0000

I can't get out

Here’s a great joke a friend of mine sent me a couple of days ago.

A person checks into one of these Laughlin hotels for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The person says, ” Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”

That made me laugh

Calmness in your life

owen — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 14:49:21 +0000

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, ‘The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.’

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I lit my lovely scented candles in their Votive candle holders finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.