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Words of advice – NOT

I came across these while surfing the Net the other day. Hey might seem like tips, but read closer, they’ll have you in stitches !

  • Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
  • Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.
  • Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.
  • Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.
  • Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
  • Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate (from Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln).
  • Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
  • Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you’ll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
  • Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making “blinkers” out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple.
  • Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a powercut.
  • An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
  • Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by “War Of The Worlds” style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes.
  • Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  • Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the BLOODY thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
  • Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
  • Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
  • Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
    • Dated: May 8, 2007

    5 Responses to “Words of advice – NOT”

    1. Susan says:
      May 8, 2007 at 7:40 pm

      LOL thanks for the advice ;)

    2. Caitlin says:
      May 8, 2007 at 7:48 pm

      Haha, that got me going too. Great example of advice not to take! :P

    3. Angela says:
      May 9, 2007 at 1:12 am

      Lists like that make me snicker everytime xD!

    4. Hagerman says:
      May 9, 2007 at 4:26 am

      Very funny!
      The Magician

    5. Camille says:
      May 9, 2007 at 11:01 am

      LOL – careful some people might believe you! ;)

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