Words of advice – NOT
I came across these while surfing the Net the other day. Hey might seem like tips, but read closer, they’ll have you in stitches !
Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.
Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.
Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.
Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate (from Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln).
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you’ll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making “blinkers” out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple.
Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a powercut.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by “War Of The Worlds” style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the BLOODY thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
LOL thanks for the advice
Haha, that got me going too. Great example of advice not to take!
Lists like that make me snicker everytime xD!
Very funny!
The Magician
LOL – careful some people might believe you!