Despite the bleeding I still felt pregnant. I needed to know that it is over. So I called Owen in the Isle of Mann and asked him if it was ok if I did a test. After all the heart ache we expected it to be a negative. After all I had menstrual cycle pains for a while, and I was bleeding. To top it off my OHSS signs had virtually disappeared. He agreed that I should / could do the test. In fact it was negative. It took all my composure to keep it together. It was cruelty feeling pregnant and getting a negative. But at least it was all over. But was it? My imagination started running wild with me. I kept seeing a line where there was none. Was I know losing my mind too? This was all too much. But I was so sure there was a feint line. Perhaps the remnants of the HCG injection or just my imagination. I looked at the packet, only to realize that it was an old test and now expired. Nothing else to do but try again. Right. Just to confirm it is negative (or in all honesty to try to cling on to some Faith and Hope). There was a problem with this test too. There were 2 lines. It could not be could it? Could I be pregnant! Yes I suppose… but I was bleeding.. so I was losing them anyway. What was the point? Besides it could be leftovers of the HCG injection.

Still there was a chance. Who cared about work… bed rest for me… perhaps we can save them still. There was only Faith & Hope! I needed to rule out that it was the HCG injection, so I called up Serono who make the injection. Guess what… the HCG should have been out of my system at the very latest 14 days after taking it. This was 16 days later.

Oh God… Dare I begin to imagine?

Things seemed to be going well so far. But my cramping was much worse. At around 4pm I had to go to the bathroom. When I started wiping I realised I was bleeding. Oh No. It cannot be. I felt sickened. It cannot be. I tried to go upstairs but have to sort out a problem with Kerry at work. I just wanted to scream but have to sort out stuff! Who could care! I then started towards the stairs. I just needed to speak to Owen. I could not even manage the first few steps because I just collapsed crying. I was holding my lower tummy and crying. I still felt pregnant but I was loosing them. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. I called Owen who was as devastated as I was. I then called the hospital and was passed on to nurse Jenny. I told her that I started bleeding. She seemed surprised so I told her that even in past cycles, I had bleed before stopping progesterone. She told me not to stop and that I should still go for the test. Yeah right. Guess there is nothing to lose, so I may just do that. Perhaps they can find out why I don’t seem to ever reach the pregnant level. Today was a horrible day. I had to even keep working. To make matters worse, unlike usual there was no queue at the post office and on the way back I found a fiver! Normally people would see these as positive things… but I felt it was just the circle of life trying to make amends. I guess this was proof to show it really was failing. Who cared for the lack of queue and the fiver… I just wanted my babies! :-(

Things are still looking up though have lots of cramping. This is the longest I have ever been I believe. Here’s to Faith & Hope.

Keep having cramps. I hope this does not mean that I am getting my period but sadly I guess so.

I started cramping today, and my bloating started going down. I even start losing some of that extra water weight from the ICSI / OHSS. Sounds like I am getting my period and the fact that OHSS symptoms are going away does not bode well.

My dad left today, and Owen had to go back to the Isle of Mann. How will I cope tomorrow?

The 2 week wait is going to be long. I cannot wait, yet it is all I can do. I have decided to occasionally take 2 rather than just 1 folic acid tablet. The best care for my babies. I also take other stuff like milk, progesterone tablets, Metformin and of course Thyroxine.

We go to the clinic and I am full of intrepidation. I want to leave rather than be told they will not give me my embryos. I know its silly but it feels more controllable. I finally have to go in. Maxine is there and she wants to show us our embryos. Out of the 4 we have 3 perfect ones – grade 1-2 and one not so good at 3-4 cells. The embryos Maxine has chosen are around 8 cells. We see one of them split. It was so emotional. At that point Owen and I knew we had to name them, like we had name Hilo & Lohi. We called them Faith & Hope because it was all we had.

The whole procedure went very smoothly. I could feel them being transferred. It was amazing. For a moment in time, I was pregnant. I felt overjoyed.

I feel a bit better but it will all be dependant on tomorrow. Sadly I have OHSS symptoms, so I fear they may not replace the embryos. I promised to tell them of any signs, but I have to say I did consider not mentioning them. But I am not sure it would be worth it as being pregnant and dead is very pointless!