Yesterday was quite an eventful day, which was unexpected as Sundays are usually quite quiet at Casa Cutajar. The first big thing was that we have stopped taking orders from The Joke Shop. We've been running the site for a number of years now; and it had grown from a germ of an idea to a full-fledged multi-channel retail project with an outlet in Staines and sales online through it's website and eBay. But since we've had Hope on the way and the pending move to the Isle of Man, we needed to focus on our home-life once again and closing down The Joke Shop was part of that. We're hoping to sell the website and corresponding stock if we can; so if you know anyone who fancies running an online business, just give me a shout.

Yesterday I also had an amazing experience. Camille's been telling me that she's been feeling the baby move for quite a few weeks now, but as the baby's getting older, it's movements have been more and more pronounced. Yesterday I actually felt the baby kick which is astonishing as Camille is still in her 2nd trimester. It was only one of the many movements and kicks she felt while we were feeling for the baby, but it was very significant to me. After all the difficulty in getting pregnant, the pregnancy has been great so far, let's hope it stays that way!

This is just a short note to let Owen know that Hope and I both Love him very dearly and simply could not be without him. We miss you when you are in the Isle of Man. We will be with you there very shortly. Promise.

 
“ Daddy,

We Love You 5!

X X X X X ”

Today we had our first Midwife appointment. Her name is Pam and she seems really nice. Most of this appointment was filling in paper work and giving blood samples! I had to give some blood to test my Thyroid just before the appointment with the midwife; needless to say this went far from smoothly. One arm refused to give any blood and the other thankfully did. I did ask the nurse if the midwife would need any further blood tests but she did not know and did not seem inclined to even ask the midwife! This meant that when Pam needed to take some blood, she had to go to the same vein again. This left my arm rather bruised and damaged! Never mind, been through worse with IVF. It is all worth it. Obviously this was not the only incident that happened, after all I was involved! I had to produce a urine specimen in a really narrow container, not sure why they cannot use a container that is short and fat rather than thin and tall, which is obviously not the easiest thing to do. Needless to say, I kept missing and as I tried to adjust the container I dropped it into the water closet. I did not have much choice but to dry and try to reuse the container. Let’s hope that nothing nasty results in the tests, or I may have to embarrass myself with the true explanation of what happened!

We were able to hear the baby using the midwife’s Doppler. It was a change to our looking for the baby. Apparently, when we lose the baby’s sound, it is because the baby keeps moving. We do have a very energetic little one who seems to always be moving. She said that I would be feeling the baby shortly, and when I told her that I thought that I have been feeling the baby move for a while and described the feeling, she agreed with me that it was the baby. I have a feeling I am going to have a very naughty hyper little baby, Bless the Baby’s Little Heart!

Pam explained that my uterus is currently about an inch under my belly button. I cannot believe how big the baby already is. Mind you, I should have realised as none of my clothes fit, not even the clothes I used to wear before I lost weight! I am rapidly becoming more dependant on maternity clothes and seem to show more each day. This must be the first time that I am glad to look BIG! Having said that, I was also assured that my weight gain so far is good. So over all, I think we are doing well.

This weekend we went away for our anniversary to Cornwall. Baby came too of course! We spent Friday with Pierre and Desiree in Weston Super Mare. This meant that we could visit them and cut our journey into half. We went out to eat with them at an Italian restaurant called the Mask of Venice. I thought it was so appropriate after our anniversary retreat last year! The food was excellent, but the baby must have thought I over ate because all of 5 minutes after having left the restaurant I felt really queezy. Let’s just say, I competed with the victim in the exorcist, and probably won! I threw up in courses too! Opps, what a waste of a meal. Still I had enjoyed it.

The next day we stayed in Bude at The Fairway Guesthouse. I thought I would eat lightly and early to avoid being sick. Sadly to say, it did not work. I had a jacket potato, and on the way back I invented a new quick step, which went something like this “Step Step Puke, Step Step Puke etc” Let’s just say, I marked out a whole golf course. I was so embarrassed, I just could not hold it in.:-(

So today, I tried a full meal, we went to eat at Loch Fyne. I had a tomato salad for starters, then a couple of salmon fish cakes for main course, and even finished off with a chocolate cake. We have established that the baby loves tomatoes. I think baby likes fish too. The baby also seems to like chocolate. So I did well, and kept it all in. Thankfully all the portions were small. So I only felt a little queezy, but kept it all in. Owen has now put us on a mini portion healthy food frequent diet. Yet he is feeding me all the time. Isn’t he just a darling!

Today we went for a 4D scan. We seemed to have been warned a million times over that it would not be a pretty sight as it was far too early to have a 4D scan. They said the baby would be too thin and transparent. We were told rumours about being told of possible deformities to get you to keep doing scans. Needless to say, we did begin to have very minor slight doubts about doing the scan this early, but of course we could not resist. The baby’s grandmama came with us too.

Dr Josie Muscat did our scan. He must have spent a good 15 – 20 minutes with us. The machine started on a 2D and he switched it to the 4D. The difference was huge! After all those scares and rumours, we were glad we stuck to our guns and went for the scan. Dr Muscat filmed the Baby and even gave us a photo. The baby is absolutely gorgeous. I think we all had tears in our eyes. The pregnancy never felt more real than at that moment in time.

And YES, we do know what our baby is, and NO we are not telling till the baby is born! So please do not ask as we do not want to offend you but not saying whether our baby is a girl or a boy. But if you were listening, I was right all along!

Yesterday we had our first NHS antenatal scan. And we got a few picture which you can see here. Baby is 100% fine, all limbs and major organs account for, so we're delighted. Here's one of the photos:

Today we heard the baby's heart beat! It was amazing. We have one of these Fetal Dopplers at home; and have been trying to find the heart beat for the last few days. Baby's heart is running at around 166 beats per minute; but that's normal for a fetus

Went for a second scan today and our baby is doing just fine. She/he is currently around 2.5 cm in length and we're being discharged from the fertility clinic to the normal hospital system. It's amazing how technology today has made the first moments of a baby's life so accessible. We were shown the embryonic heart beat and even how the limbs were forming. We were delighted to see the embryo wave at us; it must have known we were watching " src="smilies/happy.gif"> This is what's happening at the moment ...

Today we are 8 weeks pregnant. We are 2/3^rd way through our 1^st Trimester. We cannot believe how time has flown by.

Today we went for our first scan at Homerton. I was very anxious. With reason I can now see. Sadly we only found one of our babies. The good news is that all seems well. We even saw her heart beating. Obviously we don’t know if it’s a girl or a boy… but we decided it was a girl! We have decided sadly that it is Faith that we lost and that Hope is all we have left :-( This has been very hard on us. We want to be happy yet we are sad at the same time. We are happy for having Hope but sad for losing Faith.

Owen needed an emergency appointment with Dr Jadali to get some Ventolin. While he was there, we booked our first baby / antenatal appointment for Friday 3^rd June at 8.50am.

Had some sickness today too. Mostly this evening. I even got so bad had to throw out a mouthful. Sorry for being disgusting. It is reassuring that I am suffering sickness. My boobs felt sorer than they have for the last few days too.

Will try the Doppler again tonight but I won’t hold my breath.

Went back to work today. Really tired out fast. Had a bad dizzy spell and felt rather sick too. Beginning to feel like Morning Sickness!

Tried the Doppler again, but still not heartbeat. :-(

Took Cuddles to the Vet. Her eye had to be taken out :-( At least her infection was manageable. We had her neutered too, to prevent further unwanted male attention. I feel so sorry for her.

As we got into the car, we smelt an awful smell. I thought I would confirm it was not our food that we prepared for today, so I stuck my head in the plastic bag. Let’s just say, it was a good thing I had no breakfast because I lost anything in my stomach. Did not feel too great after that. It was a piece of Camembert that went off.

Anyway, the highlight of the day was The Baby Show. It was not very big and there was very little to learn. It was very sell sell sell but offering nothing new. Mothercare did have a stand where you can try out pushchairs on different floors such as gravel, steps, grass etc. I don’t quite like 3 wheelers. They feel less safe and sturdy. Apparently prams are hard to find, as they do not sell them much because car seats are what are used instead! Explain that one to me!

The best bit about it, was we bought an ultrasound Doppler. In a couple of weeks we will be able to hear the Baby's heartbeat. I cannot wait. Obviously, we still tried it but we did not yet manage to find the heartbeat. Still. Soon.

I did feel so knackered at the end of the day. I also felt rather nauseous. Morning Sickness? I hope so.   

Sadly, when we came back, we found out that Cuddles was in an accident and had her eye gouged out. We will go to the Vet in the morning. I do not think they can do much more between today and tomorrow.

Friday the 13^th! Is this going to be a bad day or good. Usually it is good for me, but who knows. The thing is… I am still not bleeding… so hopefully all is good.

I went to change the Bra, and got measured up. Apparently I am a 42F. Wow. They did not have my size so I will have to go another day.

Our babies are 4 weeks old! How time flies. Still no bleeding or cramps. Fingers still crossed. Tried on my bra and it just about fits. It won’t last long. I measured myself. I think I am a 42E! I must go and change my bra. Must get a good bra as I don’t want to damage my ducts for my babies.

Today we booked tickets for The Baby Show in Birmingham.

No Bleeding so far. Today we sent out an email to everyone we can think of and told the world. Most people would think we are too presumptuous to say we are pregnant before the 12 weeks. After all we have been through it is far too hard to stay quiet. We just want to scream to let the world know.

Camille sent me a link to a page showing what Faith & Hope should look like by now. Link here

Today is my last progesterone. This is making me anxious. I do hope that I don’t start bleeding today. Oddly enough, today is 14 years to the day I left Senior School! I bought my first maternity bra – 38E!

Time to let the cat out of the bag! I've just made this blog public for the world to see. Pregnancy tests are showing positive, but we still don't know if it's one or two. There's still a number of hurdles to surpass as the first trimester is pretty risky, so spare a thought and keep your fingers crossed for us !! P.S. In case you haven't picked up from below, we've named the embryos Faith and Hope

Today I spent the day Shopping. Then met Owen for lunch (as he is currently working at a client here in IOM) and we nibbled fruit salad in a rock garden. I showed Owen the 2 bibs I bought for Faith and Hope. One read “Daddy loves me“ and the other read “Mummy loves me“. I thought they were so apt. We do love Faith and Hope with our every fibre. After Lunch I bought a book, “From Conception to Birth“ with loads of pictures and information on the growing embryo. It makes us feel so much closer to Faith and Hope. When Owen finished work, we went for a drive to Port Erin and a nice walk on the Beach. It was magical.

This is my first mother’s day. I still cannot believe it. It is overwhelming. Owen was ever so sweet. On behalf of Faith & Hope, Owen helped them choose some presents. I got a frame with their photo and a poem, a dictionary on baby names and a box of Godiva chocolates. They were all wrapped up in beautiful wrapping purple paper with purple ribbon. They were simply perfect. I even thought they were professionally done. It brought tears to my eyes.

We then went on our first holiday as a family. We drove to Liverpool and then caught the ferry to the Isle of Mann. I must say the 3 of us were very unhappy during the boat ride, and even Owen was just about coping. Horrible seas. Anyway, we made it without actually spilling out anything! We then checked into “The Empress Hotel” in room 309.  Fabulous. Then Owen took us all for a meal at “The Brasserie” which was wonderful. Altogether the best Mother’s Day ever! Not sure how they will top the next one!

Today was my first full day at work. At 4pm I was ready to crash. Owen took over which was great because I was so exhausted. But still, glad to know I can still do it.

I cannot help but walk around on Cloud 5. Today is the first day that I woke up knowing that “Yes, I am really pregnant!”. It is not that I did not feel pregnant but more that I was afraid that my imagination was being over active!

Today was the big day. Our pregnancy test was a definite positive and we had to call the hospital to confirm our HCG levels. It felt like forever till we finally spoke to nurse Jenny. Our HCG levels were 728 on Tuesday the 3^rd. From what we seem to understand, this is nice and high. Excellent for pregnancy.

“* At 18 DPO, the average HCG level is 292 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 70-758 mIU/ml”

So apparently, we stand a good chance of twins! Yippee.

Today we became parents beyond any doubt we may have had. We could start hoping in a full term pregnancy. We are so excited and over joyed. We even went to Mothercare and bought our first baby booties. Naturally, we bought two pairs. One for Faith and one for Hope. They are so cute with a teddy bear design on the little white booties.

Owen had to fly out to the Isle of Man. Its been a long day waiting for him to return and waiting for tomorrow. Thankfully I stopped bleeding today.

We had our hospital appointment to check our HCG levels. We must have waited for around 2 hours, but the real waiting will be till we get our results. While waiting for the blood test we went to see the nurse. Jenny very kindly met with us. I told her that although I was still bleeding, I had done a test and it seemed positive. So she did another test for us. It was also positive. It seemed pretty much like a standard test so I was still not happy enough to believe we can still be really pregnant. I will not be happy till the HCG results are in. I do not think they can lie! Maxine was really pleased for us. Mind you so was Raj, the reception staff and over all everyone! I think Owen is beginning to think that it is possible that we may stand a chance of finally becoming parents!

Did another test today. It is still positive. How could today be a public holiday. I wish we were doing our HCG test. The wait is agonizing.

Did a digital clear blue test today. It reads PREGNANT. Can it be? Faith and Hope seem to grow stronger. How will I cope if it fails?

Owen was with me. We had to do another test. I bought a tesco test. The results were not very straight forward. To be positive there should be 2 round spots. We have 2 marks, but not perfect circles. Is there a problem with the test? This is agony.

Despite the bleeding I still felt pregnant. I needed to know that it is over. So I called Owen in the Isle of Mann and asked him if it was ok if I did a test. After all the heart ache we expected it to be a negative. After all I had menstrual cycle pains for a while, and I was bleeding. To top it off my OHSS signs had virtually disappeared. He agreed that I should / could do the test. In fact it was negative. It took all my composure to keep it together. It was cruelty feeling pregnant and getting a negative. But at least it was all over. But was it? My imagination started running wild with me. I kept seeing a line where there was none. Was I know losing my mind too? This was all too much. But I was so sure there was a feint line. Perhaps the remnants of the HCG injection or just my imagination. I looked at the packet, only to realize that it was an old test and now expired. Nothing else to do but try again. Right. Just to confirm it is negative (or in all honesty to try to cling on to some Faith and Hope). There was a problem with this test too. There were 2 lines. It could not be could it? Could I be pregnant! Yes I suppose… but I was bleeding.. so I was losing them anyway. What was the point? Besides it could be leftovers of the HCG injection.

Still there was a chance. Who cared about work… bed rest for me… perhaps we can save them still. There was only Faith & Hope! I needed to rule out that it was the HCG injection, so I called up Serono who make the injection. Guess what… the HCG should have been out of my system at the very latest 14 days after taking it. This was 16 days later.

Oh God… Dare I begin to imagine?

Things seemed to be going well so far. But my cramping was much worse. At around 4pm I had to go to the bathroom. When I started wiping I realised I was bleeding. Oh No. It cannot be. I felt sickened. It cannot be. I tried to go upstairs but have to sort out a problem with Kerry at work. I just wanted to scream but have to sort out stuff! Who could care! I then started towards the stairs. I just needed to speak to Owen. I could not even manage the first few steps because I just collapsed crying. I was holding my lower tummy and crying. I still felt pregnant but I was loosing them. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. I called Owen who was as devastated as I was. I then called the hospital and was passed on to nurse Jenny. I told her that I started bleeding. She seemed surprised so I told her that even in past cycles, I had bleed before stopping progesterone. She told me not to stop and that I should still go for the test. Yeah right. Guess there is nothing to lose, so I may just do that. Perhaps they can find out why I don’t seem to ever reach the pregnant level. Today was a horrible day. I had to even keep working. To make matters worse, unlike usual there was no queue at the post office and on the way back I found a fiver! Normally people would see these as positive things… but I felt it was just the circle of life trying to make amends. I guess this was proof to show it really was failing. Who cared for the lack of queue and the fiver… I just wanted my babies! :-(

Things are still looking up though have lots of cramping. This is the longest I have ever been I believe. Here’s to Faith & Hope.

Keep having cramps. I hope this does not mean that I am getting my period but sadly I guess so.

I started cramping today, and my bloating started going down. I even start losing some of that extra water weight from the ICSI / OHSS. Sounds like I am getting my period and the fact that OHSS symptoms are going away does not bode well.

My dad left today, and Owen had to go back to the Isle of Mann. How will I cope tomorrow?

The 2 week wait is going to be long. I cannot wait, yet it is all I can do. I have decided to occasionally take 2 rather than just 1 folic acid tablet. The best care for my babies. I also take other stuff like milk, progesterone tablets, Metformin and of course Thyroxine.

We go to the clinic and I am full of intrepidation. I want to leave rather than be told they will not give me my embryos. I know its silly but it feels more controllable. I finally have to go in. Maxine is there and she wants to show us our embryos. Out of the 4 we have 3 perfect ones – grade 1-2 and one not so good at 3-4 cells. The embryos Maxine has chosen are around 8 cells. We see one of them split. It was so emotional. At that point Owen and I knew we had to name them, like we had name Hilo & Lohi. We called them Faith & Hope because it was all we had.

The whole procedure went very smoothly. I could feel them being transferred. It was amazing. For a moment in time, I was pregnant. I felt overjoyed.