Well, as you can see, this blog has been pretty quite as late. That's because we all have our own blogs now and are busy working away on those. Here's where we all are:

Arthur

• Arthur's First Steps

Camille

• Warm and Dry
• Carper Diem
• Shopaholic? Me?
• Opinionated? Me?

Owen

• Ugh!!'s Greymatter Honeypot
• A bit of this and a bit of that
• The Only Network
• The Joke Shop Blog

See you around !

This is just a short note to let Owen know that Hope and I both Love him very dearly and simply could not be without him. We miss you when you are in the Isle of Man. We will be with you there very shortly. Promise.

 
“ Daddy,

We Love You 5!

X X X X X ”

This weekend we went away for our anniversary to Cornwall. Baby came too of course! We spent Friday with Pierre and Desiree in Weston Super Mare. This meant that we could visit them and cut our journey into half. We went out to eat with them at an Italian restaurant called the Mask of Venice. I thought it was so appropriate after our anniversary retreat last year! The food was excellent, but the baby must have thought I over ate because all of 5 minutes after having left the restaurant I felt really queezy. Let’s just say, I competed with the victim in the exorcist, and probably won! I threw up in courses too! Opps, what a waste of a meal. Still I had enjoyed it.

The next day we stayed in Bude at The Fairway Guesthouse. I thought I would eat lightly and early to avoid being sick. Sadly to say, it did not work. I had a jacket potato, and on the way back I invented a new quick step, which went something like this “Step Step Puke, Step Step Puke etc” Let’s just say, I marked out a whole golf course. I was so embarrassed, I just could not hold it in.:-(

So today, I tried a full meal, we went to eat at Loch Fyne. I had a tomato salad for starters, then a couple of salmon fish cakes for main course, and even finished off with a chocolate cake. We have established that the baby loves tomatoes. I think baby likes fish too. The baby also seems to like chocolate. So I did well, and kept it all in. Thankfully all the portions were small. So I only felt a little queezy, but kept it all in. Owen has now put us on a mini portion healthy food frequent diet. Yet he is feeding me all the time. Isn’t he just a darling!

Went for a second scan today and our baby is doing just fine. She/he is currently around 2.5 cm in length and we're being discharged from the fertility clinic to the normal hospital system. It's amazing how technology today has made the first moments of a baby's life so accessible. We were shown the embryonic heart beat and even how the limbs were forming. We were delighted to see the embryo wave at us; it must have known we were watching " src="smilies/happy.gif"> This is what's happening at the moment ...

Today we are 8 weeks pregnant. We are 2/3^rd way through our 1^st Trimester. We cannot believe how time has flown by.

I spent the day in bed today. Besides being absolutely ravenous, it was the best day in a very long time. I really appreciated it. Ah!

I think I may have been suffering mild temperature as I felt so weird, tired, hot and cold. Though over all I cannot complain.

Today we went for our first scan at Homerton. I was very anxious. With reason I can now see. Sadly we only found one of our babies. The good news is that all seems well. We even saw her heart beating. Obviously we don’t know if it’s a girl or a boy… but we decided it was a girl! We have decided sadly that it is Faith that we lost and that Hope is all we have left :-( This has been very hard on us. We want to be happy yet we are sad at the same time. We are happy for having Hope but sad for losing Faith.

I seem to suffer more sickness and tiredness but otherwise I seem to be doing well. I cannot seem to find time to write daily but I will write whenever I can or whenever I have something new to write.  

Had some sickness today too. Mostly this evening. I even got so bad had to throw out a mouthful. Sorry for being disgusting. It is reassuring that I am suffering sickness. My boobs felt sorer than they have for the last few days too.

Will try the Doppler again tonight but I won’t hold my breath.

Went back to work today. Really tired out fast. Had a bad dizzy spell and felt rather sick too. Beginning to feel like Morning Sickness!

Tried the Doppler again, but still not heartbeat. :-(

Took Cuddles to the Vet. Her eye had to be taken out :-( At least her infection was manageable. We had her neutered too, to prevent further unwanted male attention. I feel so sorry for her.

As we got into the car, we smelt an awful smell. I thought I would confirm it was not our food that we prepared for today, so I stuck my head in the plastic bag. Let’s just say, it was a good thing I had no breakfast because I lost anything in my stomach. Did not feel too great after that. It was a piece of Camembert that went off.

Anyway, the highlight of the day was The Baby Show. It was not very big and there was very little to learn. It was very sell sell sell but offering nothing new. Mothercare did have a stand where you can try out pushchairs on different floors such as gravel, steps, grass etc. I don’t quite like 3 wheelers. They feel less safe and sturdy. Apparently prams are hard to find, as they do not sell them much because car seats are what are used instead! Explain that one to me!

The best bit about it, was we bought an ultrasound Doppler. In a couple of weeks we will be able to hear the Baby's heartbeat. I cannot wait. Obviously, we still tried it but we did not yet manage to find the heartbeat. Still. Soon.

I did feel so knackered at the end of the day. I also felt rather nauseous. Morning Sickness? I hope so.   

Sadly, when we came back, we found out that Cuddles was in an accident and had her eye gouged out. We will go to the Vet in the morning. I do not think they can do much more between today and tomorrow.

I went again to Mothercare for my bra. I thought perhaps they have a twin pack in the right size. They didn’t so I tried on a smaller size… well to cut a long story short I am wearing a 40E. The size feels better. Though as far as maternity bras go, they do not feel anywhere near as supportive. They are also not very pretty. But it is just for a few months! I now have a black and white bra so it will be wash and wear!

Today we went to the Sound. I fell asleep and got sunburnt on my face though on just one side. Travelling back to England, I did not get seasick even though it was a four hour boat ride. We are staying at the Holiday Inn in Warrington. (Room 231)

Friday the 13^th! Is this going to be a bad day or good. Usually it is good for me, but who knows. The thing is… I am still not bleeding… so hopefully all is good.

I went to change the Bra, and got measured up. Apparently I am a 42F. Wow. They did not have my size so I will have to go another day.

Our babies are 4 weeks old! How time flies. Still no bleeding or cramps. Fingers still crossed. Tried on my bra and it just about fits. It won’t last long. I measured myself. I think I am a 42E! I must go and change my bra. Must get a good bra as I don’t want to damage my ducts for my babies.

Today we booked tickets for The Baby Show in Birmingham.

Camille sent me a link to a page showing what Faith & Hope should look like by now. Link here

Today is my last progesterone. This is making me anxious. I do hope that I don’t start bleeding today. Oddly enough, today is 14 years to the day I left Senior School! I bought my first maternity bra – 38E!

Today I spent the day Shopping. Then met Owen for lunch (as he is currently working at a client here in IOM) and we nibbled fruit salad in a rock garden. I showed Owen the 2 bibs I bought for Faith and Hope. One read “Daddy loves me“ and the other read “Mummy loves me“. I thought they were so apt. We do love Faith and Hope with our every fibre. After Lunch I bought a book, “From Conception to Birth“ with loads of pictures and information on the growing embryo. It makes us feel so much closer to Faith and Hope. When Owen finished work, we went for a drive to Port Erin and a nice walk on the Beach. It was magical.

This is my first mother’s day. I still cannot believe it. It is overwhelming. Owen was ever so sweet. On behalf of Faith & Hope, Owen helped them choose some presents. I got a frame with their photo and a poem, a dictionary on baby names and a box of Godiva chocolates. They were all wrapped up in beautiful wrapping purple paper with purple ribbon. They were simply perfect. I even thought they were professionally done. It brought tears to my eyes.

We then went on our first holiday as a family. We drove to Liverpool and then caught the ferry to the Isle of Mann. I must say the 3 of us were very unhappy during the boat ride, and even Owen was just about coping. Horrible seas. Anyway, we made it without actually spilling out anything! We then checked into “The Empress Hotel” in room 309.  Fabulous. Then Owen took us all for a meal at “The Brasserie” which was wonderful. Altogether the best Mother’s Day ever! Not sure how they will top the next one!

Today was my first full day at work. At 4pm I was ready to crash. Owen took over which was great because I was so exhausted. But still, glad to know I can still do it.

I cannot help but walk around on Cloud 5. Today is the first day that I woke up knowing that “Yes, I am really pregnant!”. It is not that I did not feel pregnant but more that I was afraid that my imagination was being over active!

Owen had to fly out to the Isle of Man. Its been a long day waiting for him to return and waiting for tomorrow. Thankfully I stopped bleeding today.

We had our hospital appointment to check our HCG levels. We must have waited for around 2 hours, but the real waiting will be till we get our results. While waiting for the blood test we went to see the nurse. Jenny very kindly met with us. I told her that although I was still bleeding, I had done a test and it seemed positive. So she did another test for us. It was also positive. It seemed pretty much like a standard test so I was still not happy enough to believe we can still be really pregnant. I will not be happy till the HCG results are in. I do not think they can lie! Maxine was really pleased for us. Mind you so was Raj, the reception staff and over all everyone! I think Owen is beginning to think that it is possible that we may stand a chance of finally becoming parents!

Did another test today. It is still positive. How could today be a public holiday. I wish we were doing our HCG test. The wait is agonizing.

Did a digital clear blue test today. It reads PREGNANT. Can it be? Faith and Hope seem to grow stronger. How will I cope if it fails?

Owen was with me. We had to do another test. I bought a tesco test. The results were not very straight forward. To be positive there should be 2 round spots. We have 2 marks, but not perfect circles. Is there a problem with the test? This is agony.

Despite the bleeding I still felt pregnant. I needed to know that it is over. So I called Owen in the Isle of Mann and asked him if it was ok if I did a test. After all the heart ache we expected it to be a negative. After all I had menstrual cycle pains for a while, and I was bleeding. To top it off my OHSS signs had virtually disappeared. He agreed that I should / could do the test. In fact it was negative. It took all my composure to keep it together. It was cruelty feeling pregnant and getting a negative. But at least it was all over. But was it? My imagination started running wild with me. I kept seeing a line where there was none. Was I know losing my mind too? This was all too much. But I was so sure there was a feint line. Perhaps the remnants of the HCG injection or just my imagination. I looked at the packet, only to realize that it was an old test and now expired. Nothing else to do but try again. Right. Just to confirm it is negative (or in all honesty to try to cling on to some Faith and Hope). There was a problem with this test too. There were 2 lines. It could not be could it? Could I be pregnant! Yes I suppose… but I was bleeding.. so I was losing them anyway. What was the point? Besides it could be leftovers of the HCG injection.

Still there was a chance. Who cared about work… bed rest for me… perhaps we can save them still. There was only Faith & Hope! I needed to rule out that it was the HCG injection, so I called up Serono who make the injection. Guess what… the HCG should have been out of my system at the very latest 14 days after taking it. This was 16 days later.

Oh God… Dare I begin to imagine?

Things seemed to be going well so far. But my cramping was much worse. At around 4pm I had to go to the bathroom. When I started wiping I realised I was bleeding. Oh No. It cannot be. I felt sickened. It cannot be. I tried to go upstairs but have to sort out a problem with Kerry at work. I just wanted to scream but have to sort out stuff! Who could care! I then started towards the stairs. I just needed to speak to Owen. I could not even manage the first few steps because I just collapsed crying. I was holding my lower tummy and crying. I still felt pregnant but I was loosing them. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. I called Owen who was as devastated as I was. I then called the hospital and was passed on to nurse Jenny. I told her that I started bleeding. She seemed surprised so I told her that even in past cycles, I had bleed before stopping progesterone. She told me not to stop and that I should still go for the test. Yeah right. Guess there is nothing to lose, so I may just do that. Perhaps they can find out why I don’t seem to ever reach the pregnant level. Today was a horrible day. I had to even keep working. To make matters worse, unlike usual there was no queue at the post office and on the way back I found a fiver! Normally people would see these as positive things… but I felt it was just the circle of life trying to make amends. I guess this was proof to show it really was failing. Who cared for the lack of queue and the fiver… I just wanted my babies! :-(

Things are still looking up though have lots of cramping. This is the longest I have ever been I believe. Here’s to Faith & Hope.

Keep having cramps. I hope this does not mean that I am getting my period but sadly I guess so.

I started cramping today, and my bloating started going down. I even start losing some of that extra water weight from the ICSI / OHSS. Sounds like I am getting my period and the fact that OHSS symptoms are going away does not bode well.

My dad left today, and Owen had to go back to the Isle of Mann. How will I cope tomorrow?

The 2 week wait is going to be long. I cannot wait, yet it is all I can do. I have decided to occasionally take 2 rather than just 1 folic acid tablet. The best care for my babies. I also take other stuff like milk, progesterone tablets, Metformin and of course Thyroxine.

We go to the clinic and I am full of intrepidation. I want to leave rather than be told they will not give me my embryos. I know its silly but it feels more controllable. I finally have to go in. Maxine is there and she wants to show us our embryos. Out of the 4 we have 3 perfect ones – grade 1-2 and one not so good at 3-4 cells. The embryos Maxine has chosen are around 8 cells. We see one of them split. It was so emotional. At that point Owen and I knew we had to name them, like we had name Hilo & Lohi. We called them Faith & Hope because it was all we had.

The whole procedure went very smoothly. I could feel them being transferred. It was amazing. For a moment in time, I was pregnant. I felt overjoyed.

I feel a bit better but it will all be dependant on tomorrow. Sadly I have OHSS symptoms, so I fear they may not replace the embryos. I promised to tell them of any signs, but I have to say I did consider not mentioning them. But I am not sure it would be worth it as being pregnant and dead is very pointless!

We headed towards home. The injection now seems to have worn off. The drive seemed really bad, but much better than cycle 2 and better than cycle 1 too. At least I had some energy. My dad arrived today. I could not go for him at the airport so Owen did. I was in too much pain. If it works it would be worth every moment of pain.

Raj called us this morning. They were able to inject 17 eggs. 12 Fertilized. They froze 8 and kept 4 out to grow. I hope they grow well.

We had 24 eggs from our 40+ follicles.

We stayed at the Holiday Inn Express in Stratford again. I felt pretty good. I did drink a whole lot of water 7 litres in fact. I even got so thirsty that when we ran out of water I tried to drink tap. Could not manage it though. Tasted of chemicals. Though I did manage to go downstairs in the middle of the night and buy some. Who cares that it was at rip of prices and that they did not have enough change, so I left it! I needed water. I just could not sleep all through the night.

We moved to the Holiday Inn Express in Stratford. This is to make it easier for tomorrow. I am very anxious about the whole thing and so is Owen.